Feature announcement… 🥁 6/10
When you haven’t eaten all day, do you think to yourself “I’m hungry”?
Or do you think “sweet mercy I could smash a 17-inch pizza with extra cheese and garlic sauce” as the drool pools into a puddle on your laptop?
This is a problem we have to wrestle with every waking minute as marketers. It’s hard! From the other side of the wall, the reality of a customer’s life seems… two-dimensional. One-dimensional, even. They’re not a human being dealing with all the mess and magnificence of existence, they’re just a number on a screen.
Nowhere is this more evident than in the writing companies put out.
Yesterday I got an email from an app for outdoorsy types. Since the start of this year I’ve used it to record walks I’ve been on then share the links with family. It helps us keep in touch. I am, like thousands of others, a fan.
The email perfectly illustrated the problem above. It was also the perfect candidate for a rewrite, so today you’re getting that as a wee teardown bonus. Let’s get stuck in.
If you enjoy this teardown, why not flick it on to someone else who’d get a lot out of it? (Or if you had it forwarded to you, you can subscribe for free to get the next one.)
I anonymise the sender to Xxxx out of courtesy. Have a hunch? Guess away!
---------- Forwarded message ----------
Subject: “Surrey & Sussex Hikes awaits you on Xxxx!”
This opener made me question my geography (I live in Dorset, not Surrey or Sussex), but in the past I have travelled afar to go hiking. It speaks to me enough that I want to read more…
“Communities are now live on Xxxx”
Huh? You were talking about hikes, and now you’re talking about communities? I’m a bit lost. (This is the sort of comprehension hiccup that hits you helpfully in the face if you get someone to read your draft out loud to you, narrating their experience as they go. I also wrote about this in the last teardown. Hat-tip as always to Tom Kerwin for the smarts on usability testing).
“A new way to connect with like-minded people, take part in challenges, discover routes, and chat about your local area.”
Okay, but tell me, WHY do I want to “connect with like-minded people”? This phrase has been used a million times to describe Internet Things (I mean, yes, the internet is great for connecting with people), as if that’s it, job done, form an orderly queue.
You need to GO FURTHER.
“Based on your previous activities, we thought you might be interested in Surrey & Sussex Hikes. Just be sure to update your Xxxx app to the latest version. Check it out right now!”
Ahhh wait… erm… so is “Surrey and Sussex Hikes” a name for something? I’m not enjoying having to do the work to figure it out.
"Surrey & Sussex Hikes
[View community]”
Hurrah. The penny has dropped. We got there in the end, but please, pleeeease just make it eaaaaasy!
With a few tweaks, this email could be awesome. Here’s that rewrite:
Subject: Meet new hiking buddies with Xxxx
Do you wish you knew more people locally? Want to go exploring with others who share your love of the great outdoors but you’re not sure where to start?
We feel you, especially in this era of remote working. So we’ve been working on something big behind the scenes.
Communities are now live on Xxxx!
Take part in challenges, discover routes, and chat about your local area. Together. In real life.
Based on your previous activities, we thought you might be interested in the Surrey & Sussex Hikes community. Check it out right now (just be sure to update your Xxxx app to the latest version).
[View Surrey & Sussex Hikes community]
---------- End ----------
Conclusion:
Email Teardown Club score = 6/10
Don’t assume your customers are clear on how you can change their lives. Don’t assume that they will paint a mental masterpiece from the bare bones of your stick drawing.
SPELL IT OUT. Be specific! Be vivid! If you really understand your customers, you’re in the glorious position of not needing to repeat the same tired old words as everyone else. Why not have some fun with it?
If you give it a go I’d love to hear how you get on.
Cheerio,
Corissa
P.S. In these teardowns, I mix my gut reaction as a customer with my background as a copywriter. The goal is to explore how messaging really lands out there in the real world. But I’m a sample size of one, so I’d love to hear your take too. Agree? Disagree? Hit reply and tell me!
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