“FOMO” email... 🥁 0/10
There are a lot of boo-boos you can forgive in an email. A broken dynamic field (oh hi :FNAME:, my old friend!). Typos. Duff links. Things that trip you up despite a ton of TLC invested in thinking about your beloved reader and the purpose of your message.
But one thing is never, ever forgivable in an email, and that’s laziness.
Email is already lazy. The good kind of lazy. It carves a shortcut through time and space and enables an asynchronous one-to-one connection with another human being, like the one that exists between you and me right now. Honestly, I am humbled by this fact again and again.
The problem is that the line between “good lazy” and “bad lazy” is thinner than a sheet of graphene on the cabbage diet.
It’s all too tempting to rush an email out the door because it feels so easy. Phase one, shove some words in a box and press “send”. Phase two, question mark. Phase three, profit!
I got an email last week that was so lazy it made my skin itch. On behalf of the company, as much as anything else, because this company does video conferencing software, and isn’t video conferencing software supposed to be a comms saviour of the covid era? And aren’t email and video both... comms? So isn’t this situation sort of like... a hairdresser with a frizzy mullet?
Anyway, the backstory:
Video calls freak me out. I live in fear of opening my camera by accident while noshing on a log of goat cheese, burrito-style. But after months of digging my heels in during lockdown, it was time to set aside that burning hatred for the sake of, you know, earning a living.
The need for an online meeting arose. I decided to give a household name a go, since that’s the service most people seemed to be using. Unfortunately I managed to screw it up and the link flunked out on me. Cowed, I grovelled to my meeting-ee and reverted to the video conferencing that came with my email address.
The next time I organised a video call, I had it in the back of my mind to revisit the new software. But it wasn’t clear what I’d screwed up or how to fix it. So I didn’t.
In short, I was a prime candidate for some engagement comms from this company to get me over the hump.
Then one such email arrived.
It had… how to put this politely… the opposite of its intended effect.
There’s a lot we can learn from it, so I’ve put the message under the microscope.
Which pinnacles of Email Laziness™ did it reveal? Read on to find out.
If you enjoy this teardown, please consider flicking it on to someone else who’d get a lot out of it ✌ (and if someone fabulous forwarded it to you, you can subscribe here, it’s free!).
Sender anonymised to Xxxx out of courtesy. Have a hunch? Guess away…
---------- Forwarded message ----------
Subject line: “Don’t Miss Out on New Features”
Ahh, FOMO. Fear Of Missing Out. The laziest hook in the copywriter’s book. That’s not to say it should never see the light of day, but if you ARE going to use it, you’d better dress it up a little. As in, with more than just “new features”, which contains all the imaginative firepower of an old tissue.
“Don't Miss Out on New Features”
The line so nice they used it twice?
“KEEP YOUR XXXX CLIENT UP-TO-DATE”
FIRSTLY, WHY ARE YOU SHOUTING AT ME? Secondly, “client”...? I’ve worked in tech for almost a decade, so at first I assumed I understood what this email is talking about. But when I thought about it for a moment and tried to work out what it wants me to do, I realised I have no idea. Is it one of my many apps? Is it the website? Is it the twinkle in the milkman’s eye? Throw me a bone here! Behold, the second pinnacle of laziness: assuming your reader understands a piece of jargon just because you do.
“We are constantly improving our platform. If you haven't updated your client in a while, you might not be getting the full <Xxxx> experience.”
The “full experience”, you say? An almond oil massage with Barry White on surround sound? Eight courses at a Michelin-starred submarine restaurant? What? WHAT am I missing out on? Yet another pinnacle of laziness: assuming your reader doesn’t need to be told why your thing will transform their life for the better.
And to make matters worse, their invasive analytics know whether or not it’s been “a while” since I last updated the “client”, whatever it may be, so this is laziness at work. Again. That’s four pinnacles we’re up to so far.
“Updating is easy! Just follow these three simple steps:
1. Go to our Download Center
2. Choose the <Xxxx> Client for Meetings
3. Follow prompts per your system requirements”
Literally not one syllable of “follow prompts per your system requirements” sounds simple or easy. Who or what wrote this this email? A 1970s cyborg from the Planet Zorg? And as a tech company, can’t they make this request genuinely easy by giving me the link I need, rather than thrusting me in the direction of Zorg’s ominous “Download Center”? Fifth pinnacle ahoy.
“DOWNLOAD NOW”
MORE SHOUTING WHY.
---------- End ----------
Conclusion:
Email Teardown Club score = 0/10
There we have it. Five Pinnacles of Email Laziness™ all in one: FOMO laziness, jargon laziness, transformation laziness, analytics laziness, technical laziness.
I mean, it’s almost impressive.
I don’t enjoy fuming my head off in this manner. Colourful metaphors require effort! But needs must.
Instead of inspiring me to update my “client” and bask in the elusive “full experience”, the email inspired me to delete it in horror. Then undelete it for a teardown. Then redelete it. Because the idea of not sharing these goodies with you, now that gives me FOMO.
Have you received any bad-kind-of-lazy emails this week? I’d be interested to see them...
Cheerio,
Corissa
P.S. Need a hand with your emails? Or know anyone who’s looking for help? I’ve got some availability at the mo and would love to chat, just hit reply!
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These teardowns are my gut reactions as a customer, mashed together with my copywriter background, to investigate how messaging really lands outside the sender's ivory tower. Agree or disagree with my take? Reply and tell me! I’m one person, I might not be representative, and I love exploring other perspectives.